steaming piles

I despair

2008-10-22T17:09:00.002Z

... not just a title. I really do.

** sigh **

I have lived in the wrong era. I suffer (hah!) from Asperger's syndrome, which (partly - in my case) means that I am more guided by logic and reason than emotion.

In my early life, I made the mistake of assuming that all people were also driven by logic and reason. It took me until the age of 45 or so to realise (I'm a slow learner) that it is not so.

At times I am profoundly depressed by this. Sometimes it feels that intelliegence is a curse. I just want to spend a year away from other people. (except my lovely children of course). Just a year would do.

That's all.

Max Mosley

2008-07-11T19:42:00.003Z

So Max Mosley is sueing the News of the Screws over their admitted filming of his S&M antics. I'm really split on this one. One part of me thinks that it is dangerous to limit the freedom of the press in any way, another part thinks that the paper had no justification whatsoever in prying into someone's private life. When all is said and done, the blame for this sort of thing lies with the sad bastards who buy the rotten paper. To those people I would ask them to get off their overweight backsides, fire up their imaginations, and go get a sex life of their own, so that they don't have to voy all over other people's sex lives every sunday. As for the paper editor claiming it was all in the public interest... words fail me (not good for a blogger).

Besides, which one of us has not stood naked in a room while an 80 year old man dressed in an evil clown costume pelts us with rotten fruit? I know I certainly have!

(Actually, that last bit isn't quite true. I toned it down in case my kids think I'm a weirdo or something)

Eat my friends - Om nom nom

2008-07-06T21:21:00.004Z

43%

OnePlusYou Quizzes and Widgets

Big brother and all that stuff

2008-05-20T17:53:00.002Z

It's all over the news. The government want to build a database of all phone calls, email messages and text messages. They want to be able to spy on all of our communications. That's not the interesting bit though.

What interests me more is the argument put forward by MPs and pundits who are anti the proposal. The one argument they use is that because of the recent security breaches, the government is not fit to hold this information.

Well WOH! Wait a minute. Their argument isn't that spying on us would be inherently wrong, it's just that HM-Gov are too incompetent to do it. This frames the debate nicely. Get enough people to use this argument, and that gives the government a way in. All they have to do is prove that security has been tightened (and they are working on that like crazy) and then they can have their database.

I say be careful of using security competence as an argument. This should be opposed because nobody wants it, apart from the inevitable stupid "if you've done nothing wrong..." brigade.

Aw Bollocks!!!!

2008-05-07T16:58:00.002Z

Have you ever had a laptop with a touchpad?

If you have, you will know that it is possible to accidentally brush a thumb against it while typing. Now you would think that this would result in some pretty harmless results, like the floating cursor being moved a bit to the left or something. In the Murphy's Law universe, one of two things usually happens:

1. You find yourself typing on the wrong line. This happens in about 60% of cases. It's no biggie - you simply copy and paste the text to where it should be.

2. The accidental brush translates to: a. anchor the cursor, b. select all of the text of the huge message you have been typing, except for the first 3 words, c. press delete.

Have you noticed that? A single brush of the thumb and the whole bloody message is gone (apart from the obligatory 3 remaining words). If they can make a simple thumb gesture so meaningful, could they please design an operating system that does all of my work when I sneeze, pick my nose and cross my legs. Thank you.

p.s. you have no idea how careful I have been while typing this.

Expelled Exposed

2008-04-15T16:35:00.000Z

Seen the silly movie Expelled? Go read the debunking first.

Nobel prize up for grabs...

2008-04-02T08:39:00.003Z

...for whoever can decipher this sentance from Desmond Tutu:

"Even the dumbest of us would say that results would not have been held back... had it not been the fact that Mr Mugabe has not won," said the Nobel Peace Prize winner.

OK, I know what he means, but the 3.5 negatives in that sentance are making my brain sore. In reply to Tutu, I would say this:

"There's nothing that you've not got that I don't want."

Robbery!!!!!! True story!

2008-03-26T19:08:00.003Z

Today I went for a walk at lunchtime. As soon as I started out, I heard a whole cacophony of police sirens in the direction of Old Street tube. Next thing I know, as I walk up a narrow side street just outside of where I work, two guys on a scooter fly past me at about 40mph (much, much too fast). They went onto the pavement and out into a pedestrian precinct. I was sure they were going to knock someone down. These guys looked VERY suspicious, were disguised, and were in a very big hurry!

When I reached Old Street I saw at least 5 police cars, and all seemed to be on the lookout for somebody or something.

So, being a good citizen, I call the MET police to report what I saw. The person at the police call centre, no doubt in Uzbekistan, could not have been less interested.

No doubt the next thing I'll find out is that the robbers shot 5 people in the face, stole 10 million, and Crimewatch are mounting a campaign along the lines of "did you see anything suspicious?"

Well, if it comes to that, they can ask all they want. This guy won't be volunteering any information. At the time when it would have been useful, I was fobbed off.

As the yanks would say, "a cop couldn't find his butt if it had a bell on it"

Holiday weekend in London

2008-03-20T19:31:00.002Z

It's the start of a 4 day bank holiday and I'm on the train, coming back from London. You would think people would be cheerful, but this is what I can see right now...

All but one person looks miserable, 2 people look close to tears, 3 people are asleep, one woman looks downright haunted.

The guy who doesn't look miserable is the spitting image of a younger Ken Dodd - he has a good comedy face.

Maybe life was always meant to be hard, and I have my own theories that there may be good reasons for this. But London! What are you for, if you make people look so miserable?

There's got to be a better life than this. The only people you see smiling in London are in advertisements.

Quote of... my lifetime

2008-03-19T19:12:00.002Z

"I plan to live forever. So far, so good."

Steven Wright

Stupidity

2008-03-11T20:26:00.004Z

I was thinking about my Mum and Dad the other day. My mum passed away last year. They had been married for 53 years. I actually thought this thought: "wow, my dad knew my mum for 55 years. That's even longer than my entire life."

Ever had a "duh" moment like that? (think about it)

First class!

2008-03-11T20:15:00.002Z

I've taken to travelling first class into London, as befits my status as a gentleman and a scholar. This is not a luxury, it is a necessity. Believe me, the types you get in cattle class make you want to throw yourself under the bloody train.

OK, so I'm a complete and utter snob. I admit it. I revel in it. I've fucking earned it mate. I grew up on working class estates, so I know I never want to have anything to do with the proletariat! That's different from being simply uninformed.

Anyway, I digress. The point of this snobby story, is the other night two yobs decided it would be a bit of a larf to come and sit in first class and annoy the other passengers i.e. me and one bloke who was asleep. The yobs might have been expecting to see just how wonderful first class is. They may have imagined huge comfy seats, waiters serving champagne, a fag to make us toast and crumpets beside the glowing embers of an open fire.

Well no, that's not what first class is about. It's (usually) about not having to put up with ignorant dickheads like those guys, so they weren't likely to experience the joys of first class, nor will they ever. You can go travelling mate, but you can never escape yourself!

Bible versus Science

2008-01-23T16:33:00.000Z

Watch with the sound turned right up. A tremendous performance by Vanessa Mae.

I rest my case m'lud

2007-11-20T03:36:00.000Z

The americans have gone over the edge.

Absolutely barking. Woof-woof-aaaaaaaooooooooooo !!!!

No wonder stores are terrified of mentioning Christmas - or not mentioning Christmas - or whatever the hell they eventually decide to do. They quite understandibly want to make a buck around Christmas - not worry about whether they are offending or not offending the take-offence brigade.

For fuck's sake, get a grip America !!!

Happy Birthday Earth

2007-10-24T09:53:00.000Z

The Earth is 6010 years old today

6010 sounds curiously precise. It reminds me of the old joke about the museum security guard who was asked by a visitor how old the dinosaur skeleton was. "That dinosaur is one hundred million and three years old" he replied.

"Wow, that's so precise" said the visitor, "how can you be so accurate?" The security guard replied "Well, it was 100 million years old when I started working here, and that was 3 years ago"

(boom boom)

I saw this coming...

2007-10-22T23:01:00.000Z

The Levi-Prodi law and the end of the Internet

Italy is proposing a law that will require bloggers to get registered. Not only that:

the Levi-Prodi law obliges anyone who has a website or a blog to get a publishing company and to have a journalist who is on the register of professionals as the responsible director

Three years ago I predicted that in 10 years governments will require everyone to get an 'internet license' in much the same way that we (in the UK at least) have a TV license. Of course the government will arrange it in such a way that it will be 'for our own good'. The excuse they will use is that internet crime happens because it is possible to hide or spoof one's identity.

This is how it will work. The government will require you to register your identity, paying (an initially) small fee. They will issue you with an id using some form of public/private encryption key, as currently used by industry for VPNs, HTTPS, etc.

The government will also monitor communications, purely for our own security; to combat spammers, terrorists and paedophiles.

I think the government should butt out. The internet is ours. It is the best medium for democratisation the world has yet seen. This relies on the fact that it is NOT controlled by any government. We should not trade this for the modicum of 'security' that government control would provide.

I'm disappointed but not entirely surprised that Italy is the first European nation to be taking steps towards government control of the internet. They have much authoritarian influence in their culture, from the roman empire, the 'holy' roman empire, 1st and 2nd world war fascist movements, and various forms of oligarchy since then.

Which country is next? Mark my words, according to my prediction, we have 7 years left before we all need some form of internet license. I'll take any bets that that will come true.

Another great invention from ACME

2007-10-20T19:34:00.000Z

I can't work out if this is for real.

Japanese disguise to fool Wile E. Coyote

Currently listening to... Menomena

2007-10-12T20:18:00.000Z

Britain on Election Alert !!!

2007-09-24T20:03:00.000Z

I'm this excited.

ELRON - The smartest guy in the room

2007-09-13T06:49:00.000Z

For what it's worth, I consider L Ron Hubbard to be one of the greatest social experimenters and genius's ('scuse spelling) of the 20th century.

He proved beyond a doubt that human beings are prepared to believe the most outrageous tosh, even after leaving lots and lots of clues that it was nonsense.

I think old Lafyette was having a massive laugh to himself about the whole thing and probably had trouble believing his experiment had been so successful.

We should praise the guy for uncovering the fact that there is no limit to human credulity and for being the all-time King of Irony!

FAQs

2007-09-11T18:49:00.000Z

I've read lots of FAQs, but I've never yet seen a question I would actually ask.

I think FAQ should be renamed to IRAQ - Irrelevant Rarely Asked Questions.

Martin Amis - spot the logical fallacy

2007-09-11T14:25:00.000Z

I like Martin Amis and his novels... except for Yellow Dog; that was so badly written as to be incomprehensible.

Today's cover of the Times 2 has this Amis quote:

Given the choice between George Bush and Osama Bin Laden, the liberal relativist is obliged to plump for the Saudi, becoming an appeaser of an armed doctrine that is racist, misogynist, homophobic, totalitarian, inquisitional, imperialist and genocidal.

He seems to be suggesting that if I am forced to choose between two things that I find abhorrent, then that implies that I support the one I have chosen.

He may be an interesting author, but he wouldn't get out of the starting blocks as a philosopher or logician.

The whole proposition is silly. It's hypothetical for a start, and if someone did ask me to choose, I would choose neither.

Elvis

2007-08-16T23:24:00.000Z

Elvis died 30 years ago today.

Elvis will never leave the building

Electrifying day job

2007-05-13T21:14:00.000Z

Some people are power mad.

glumbert.com - High Power Job

Nazi silliness

2007-04-22T09:31:00.000Z

Bryan Ferry has brought trouble on himself by commenting on the presentation skills of the Nazis.

"My God, the Nazis knew how to put themselves in the limelight and present themselves," he gushed to the German magazine Welt am Sonntag. "I'm talking about Leni Riefenstahl's movies and Albert Speer's buildings and the mass parades and the flags - just amazing. Really beautiful."

Predictable that the press jumped all over him, with various people calling for an end to the deal he has with M&S to promote their 'Signature' range of clothes.

Why?

As far as I know, he didn't praise the Nazi's actions or their philiosophy. He simply said that they were good at presenting themselves. I totally agree with him. They had superb iconography - their swastika (borrowed from hindu and other cultures), the death's head logo of the SS, the Nuremburg rallies, their marching music, Hitler's 'Eagle's Nest' villa in the mountains, all great examples of powerful and enduring icons, desired by military and art collectors worldwide.

That doesn't mean that Bryan Ferry or I are political supporters of the Nazis, however it seems that if you even mention the word Nazi (apart from unconditionally and absolutely condemning them) then you are accused of being one yourself, that you must be an anti-semite. No, it doesn't mean that at all. All intelligent people, and I presumptiously include myself in that, unhesitatingly acknowledge that their utilitarian philosophy was odious and their actions criminal.

However, we must acknowledge the appeal they had for the German people, if only so that we can recognise current and future politicians using the same tactics to appeal to their peoples.

They did have some appeal, otherwise the vast majority of Germans wouldn't have supported them, and I believe presentation had at least something to do with it. I'm also a fan of intellectual honesty. If their uniforms, architecture, flags, rallies, etc, were artistically done, then it must be ok to admit that.

Having said that, Bryan Ferry has been in the public eye for a couple of generations now, and he should know how the press operate. I think he has been silly, but not necessarily evil.

(By the way, just in case you have a sneaking suspicion that I have Nazi sympathies, I must let you know that I am a veteran of the ANL (Anti-Nazi League) marches in the late 70s/early 80s. One of my small claims to fame is that I have personally kicked Martin Webster (the ex-leader of the National Front) at a march-turned-disturbance in Leeds. Beat that!)

In summer WE have the right to bare arms...

2007-04-19T22:56:00.000Z

…whereas in the U.S, they have the right to bear arms (ho ho).

(Seriously though, this is a subject close to my heart, having been a witness to the fatal shooting of a schoolfriend)

After the Virgina Tech incident, I posted a few comments on my fave blogs about the contrast between the gun situation over here and in America. Even on the liberal blogs I was shouted down by some, who insist that the answer is for MORE people to carry guns, the logic being that the students could have shot their attacker.

Given the choice between everyone having guns, and no one having them, which would you choose? In the UK I don’t know anyone who thinks the gun prohibition is the work of an evil Government restricting the liberty of its citizens. This is a voluntary arrangement, almost universally agreed to because it makes so much sense. OK, the bad guys can get guns if they really want to, but even they don’t use them (mostly) because no one is shooting at them.

As ever, wiser men than me have spoken on the subject. I’ll leave the last and best lines to my comedy-God, the late great Bill Hicks:

Like, I was over in England. You ever been to England, anyone, been to England? No one has handguns in England, not even the cops. True or false? True.

Now-in England last year, they had fourteen deaths from handguns. FFFFFourteen. Now-the United States, and I think you know how we feel about handguns-woooo, I'm getting a warm tingly feeling just saying the fucking word, to be honest with you. I swear to you, I am hard. Twenty-three thousand deaths from handguns.

Now let's go through those numbers again, because they're a little baffling at first glance. England, where no one has guns, fffffffourteen deaths. United States, and I think you know how we feel about guns-woooo, I'm getting a stiffy-twenty-three thousand deaths from handguns.

But there's no connection, and you'd be a fool and a Communist to make one. There's no connection between having a gun and shooting someone with it, and not having a gun and not shooting someone.

You can read the whole transcript here

Word of the day

2007-04-18T22:26:00.000Z

I have decided that rehashing opinions and ideas, or putting a very thin spin on them, is too much effort for little reward. So, just for a while I'm going to sum up the whole day's news, opinions and ideas in a single word - or even just a sound.

And the word for the 18th March 2007 is:

hwaaaa

Peanut butter follow-up

2007-04-13T22:43:00.000Z

A new must-watch version of the peanut butter video:

Kurt Vonnegut, RIP

2007-04-13T21:48:00.000Z

Good old Kurt, he taught me and my generation a lot about life, and now he's gone.

This sums him up, two quotes from his wikiquote entry

(talking about when he tells his wife he's going out to buy an envelope) Oh, she says well, you're not a poor man. You know, why don't you go online and buy a hundred envelopes and put them in the closet? And so I pretend not to hear her. And go out to get an envelope because I'm going to have a hell of a good time in the process of buying one envelope. I meet a lot of people. And, see some great looking babes. And a fire engine goes by. And I give them the thumbs up. And, and ask a woman what kind of dog that is. And, and I don't know. The moral of the story is, is we're here on Earth to fart around. And, of course, the computers will do us out of that. And, what the computer people don't realize, or they don't care, is we're dancing animals. You know, we love to move around. And, we're not supposed to dance at all anymore.

and

The only difference between [George W.] Bush and [Adolf] Hitler is that Hitler was elected.

This is the Iran o'clock News from the BBC

2007-04-09T21:24:00.000Z

MoD ban on troops selling stories

Iran 'enters new nuclear phase'

EU to seek new Iran nuclear talks

Iran, Iran, Ahmadinejad, Iran, Iran, Nuclear weapons, Iran, Iran, British sailors, Iran, Iran, uranium enrichment, Iran, Iran, Iran.....

OK, hands up who knows what's going on in the DRC? Hands up who even knows what DRC stands for? (Democratic Republic of Congo). Is anyone aware of the hundreds of thousands of deaths per year and the massive social damage being caused by the pursuit of Tantalum? No-one?

No, but we're all up to our ears in Iran. We even know how to pronounce Ahmadinejad. We're told that Iran's production of uranium is the worst evil facing the world today. What about all of the other stories around the world that aren't being covered? What about the fact that central Africa is being ravaged by factions fighting over mineral rights just so that we can have cheap mobile phones? Also, what's happening in Tibet? Indonesia? Somalia?

My point is that the newspapers and the oh-so-impartial BBC get you to focus on what THEY think you should be focussed on. THEY determine the agenda. Everyone is talking to their hairdresser and their taxi driver about Iran because the neo-cons in America WANT it to be the lead issue, and the mainstream media go along with it. This focus on whoever is nominated as the new 'bad guy' helps the U.S. and the U.K. to achieve their narrow and unjust objectives.

Did you read that passage in 1984 when the crowds in Trafalgar Square are told over loudspeakers who the new enemy is, and the crowds immediately start chanting new hate slogans? When I read that, I thought it was very unrealistic, but now I'm not so sure.

All it takes is a few words from Bush or Blair and all of a sudden, the sheep know what to bleat about. We don't hear about the 'Tantalum wars' in the DRC because that wouldn't be good for British and American business. That's never going to get on the front page until maybe 10 or 20 years time when the new Bob Geldorf equivalent is raising money for the poor black children of the Congo.

I think a good starting point would be for everyone to recognise that this is the way the media works. It doesn't lie to us exactly, but setting the agenda amounts to pretty much the same thing. Once we are savvy, we can push back on our leaders, ask them why such-and-such is the important issue, ask the uncomfortable questions, stop following them and stop thinking what we are told to think.

I'm not saying that the DRC is what we should be thinking about; I'm just using it as ONE example of many many stories that we never get to hear, that are equally, or perhaps even more important, than the supposed lead story of the day.

My advice: Don't watch the BBC News, don't read the Times or the Daily Mail. In fact, why not throw your newspaper on the compost heap, turn off your TV, and start thinking for yourself? You only have one life, one brain, one conciousness. Do you really want your one and only conciousness to be used as a conduit for other people's thoughts?

I have achieved immortality

2007-04-05T00:04:00.000Z

Well, at least one of me has...

here comes the science

Perhaps I've just achieved immorality (that sounds about right)

Andrew Huang’s “Doll Face”

2007-04-02T22:24:00.000Z

Interesting, haunting.

Mwehugh Phweugh Meuuu Pmuuew

2007-03-27T19:22:00.000Z

Heulloo.

Ah, that's better.

Sorry... it took a while for my IQ and verbal reasoning to return to normal after watching this video.

BEWARE, this video is SO dumb it has a massively negative IQ rating. Just being in it's presence could cause your own IQ to drop by a hundred or more points. You have been warned.

Irish Joke

2007-03-25T22:19:00.000Z

Paddy's doing well on "Who wants to be a Millionaire" He's got £500,000.

Chris Tarrant asks him the big question for 1 million pounds. "Paddy, for £1million, who was the great train robber? Was it: A, Ronnie Barker... B, Ronnie O'Sullivan... C, Ronnie Corbett or was it D, Ronnie Biggs?"

Paddy says, "Oi'll take de money, please Chris." Chris reminds him that he still has his 3 life lines left.

Paddy again says, "Nope. Oi'll take de money, please Chris" "You don't want to phone a friend?" asks Chris. "No t'anks. Oi'll take de money - dats me foinal answer."

"OK," says Chris, looking bemused, "give him a round of applause ladies and gentlemen. Paddy goes away with £500,000. However, before you go, you'll obviously want to know what the answer was Paddy?"

Paddy said, "No, yer alroight dere. Oi knew de answer anyway, t'anks Chris." "You knew it anyway! Are you mad?" asks Chris, "Are you mental?"

Paddy says, "Oi moight be mental Chris, but Oi'm no blooming grass!"

Take the money

2007-03-15T23:16:00.000Z

OK - a puzzle of sorts.

You are presented with 2 envelopes and told that one envelope contains twice as many dollar bills as the other. You are allowed to keep one envelope only.

You pick an envelope, open it, and see that it contains $8.

You are allowed to switch envelopes. Should you?

This problem is more fascinating than it initially looks. If you want to peek at some possible solutions that could end up driving you crazy then see page 2 of MIT Lecture notes on mathematical proofs

Donny the Delicious Dolphin

2007-03-13T19:15:00.000Z

I dare you to watch this example of how we treat other intelligent creatures. I hope it stimulates some thought on whether it is right to eat meat, or at least come up with a justification other than "but meat tastes good".

http://www.glumbert.com/media/dolphin

If you eat meat or fish, go on, watch it! Surely you're not hesitating?

My struggle

2007-03-10T01:23:00.000Z

I've been keeping this blog up to date since the 9th of March 2007 and I'm beginning to wonder if the constant effort is worth it. It's beginning to take its toll on me. Maybe I'll continue, but only for my legions of fan out there.

Did you know?...

2007-03-09T22:33:00.000Z

...that "Eastenders" is derived from the ancient greek word "Estenderon"

from "Esten" meaning a large heap or pile
and "Deron" meaning shite

so there you have it, "a pile of shite"

and on that note, welcome to my blog